Moments after the procession started someone caught my eye.  She was cute, a complete stranger, but somehow very familiar.  Later I would find that she worked with my other Irish friends abroad and had come for a visit and the wedding.  Familiarity explained, a small lump grew in my throat.  I did my best to try and knock back those memories and avoid the beauty.

At the reception the bride and groom both spoke of their craziness and living in Ireland and whatnot.  A couple hours later I was standing face to face with the lass in full conversation.  We might as well had known each other for a year.  She asked disappointedly why she hadn't met me when I was visiting and then what it would take to get me over for a visit.  4000 miles away from her homeland and that friendly hospitality so common over there still shines.

I miss those days.

I miss Ireland.

I miss her...

This above all is what makes life difficult.  What do you get when you cross a dreamer with a realist?  A walking paradox in constant inner struggle, this has come even more apparent recently.  Over the past year or so in an effort to accept whatever my current situation is and be happier the realist in me has come to greater light.  Tonight was a perfect example of that struggle.

The dreamer in me wants to live abroad.  He wants to pack up, move overseas, and fall for some foreign girl with an accent and different phrasing.  New.  Exciting.  Mysterious!  Different cultures.  Different day-to-day lives.  Different everything!  I want to live in a place were every single day is full of meaning and memories even if it's merely because I'm in a totally different world.

The realist in me just bought a house.  He's the one who is screaming for me to stay in one job for more than a year.  To save money.  To put away for retirement.  To do things that will help secure my future.

The dreamer in me is unhappy - depressed even.  He's constantly asking why certain things aren't in my life.  He's pessimistic.

The realist in me recognizes the benefits of how I'm living life at the moment.  He's reminding me that I'm preparing to accept all those things I want into my life.  He's optimistic.

It's so much easier to be depressed.  It really is hard work to be happy.

I just keep telling myself that the choices I'm making today may not be leading me directly to what I want, but they are preparing me to actually be ready and keep hold of what I'm ultimately seeking in the future.

That's what I keep telling myself...

I hope I'm right.

Please be right....

God help me if I'm wrong...

I don't mean my life specifically, I mean life in general.  Our bodies.  Our minds.  Our hearts.  Our senses.  Our emotions.  The way memories link together.  The way those memories get triggered by places, smells, sounds... The incredible power of recognition.  And most of all, the patterns.

Just think for a second about your body and how much information is constantly being observed, processed, and recorded.  How many distinct sounds can you pick out at a time?  The blower on the A/C.  The fan on your computer.  The sound of your fingers striking the keys on a keyboard.  The sniffling of your nose.  A cat meowing.  Crickets chirping.  You yawning.  A song playing, which, on its own, has a dozen other distinct sounds.  Your body can simultaneously process every single one of these things while you think of something totally unrelated, and the best part is - you still have four other senses.

All of these wonders of life and still a good portion of people believe that it happened randomly.  Fools.

It wasn't by choice.  It wasn't forced upon me.  It was all I could do to survive after getting broadsided.

Fifty-two weekends in a year, and she happened to choose the same as I to visit one of our old favorites.  She wasn't alone - nor would she be on a trip such as that.

It was obviously awkward for the both of us at first glance.  In an instant I could see all the familiarity of phases we once discussed on frequent occasion.  She may as well had a cartoon thought bubble above her head.  The pause.  The initial widening of the eyes quickly followed by a regaining of composure.  This being the first time we spoke - or even saw each other - since that last fateful phone call, she awaited my queue to set the tone.

Would I treat her like a stranger with a familiar face sharing nothing more than a nonchalant hello?

Would I lose my composure given the circumstances?

Would I treat her like a friend I hadn't seen in too long?

I made my choice, and then could see the flurry of questions form in her head.  The instant analyzation... It was easy to remember... well, everything.

Hers wasn't the only expression I recognized.  That torn half-smile filled his face the same as every time the three of us were together.  The disapproval he tries to hide because he isn't sure if it's for the right reasons.  Even though he has things I never will, it's those things that I have that he doesn't that rip at him the most.  It's a shame, because both he and someone else - but not her - are missing out over things he can't let go.

I'm not sure if she accepted my invite to join us because she wanted to, or because she didn't want to give the wrong impression to everyone else who was with me.  I was surprised, though, when she grabbed a chair, sidled right up next to me, and near instantly started catching me up.

She told me the ends of the last few stories that we started together.  Some new news.  Some old.  I shared the few things I thought she would be interested in with her.  An hour into talking and I wasn't sure if it was the past or present.  It felt like it could have been any other of the times we were there together.  I mustered up enough courage to ask the questions she doesn't like when strangers ask, and she didn't give me the stranger answers.

Fifty-two weekends.  Fifty-two Saturdays.  Fifty-two Sundays.  Six prime hours each of those one hundred and four days, and we chose not only the same day, but the same time of arrival.  Call it luck.  Call it fate.  The real question isn't how, it's why.

Was it merely a chance to ensure the past had been smoothed given the approaching future?

Was it a test of things previously said?

Or was it a message about a future choice?

I had nearly made it to the end of the summer without missing her.  And then, on a single day, over a single bottle of wine, it has all come back.  It was all I could do to try and keep the thoughts of those days we shared at the wineries - and the things that followed - out of my head.  There is still a spark between the two of us that can easily set things ablaze.  I felt again that closeness that made the good times that much better, and the bad times not matter.  Sitting there amidst everyone else, we still managed to lean in and have our own private conversations.

It's days like yesterday that I both love and hate.

I love to recall the good times.  I love to see there is something left of that past.  I hate to question if we made the right decision.

I hope I'm not the only one whose head is spinning.

From stoop to stoop, I remember every step of the trip.  The various smiles, laughs, and accents.  The parade of green suits.  The six short hours.  The fresh stamp on the smooth paper.  That smile...

I can still feel the wood floor flex under my bare feet.  I can still smell the cool morning air pouring through the bedroom window.  I can see my suitcase by the door with my shoes on the floor with me wondering if there's going to be a morning after, because I couldn't tell if I was living or dreaming those days.  The hair on my arms stands up like it did right before I ended up with a phone that wouldn't ring anymore.

And then, *poof*, just like that, I'm back at the airport wondering should I stay or should I go.

Part of me stayed.

Part of me always stays...

I try not to think of her absence, but it's impossible.  I recall the conversations we had along the drive.  I taste the same tastes.  There's music and people dancing, but, this time, not us.  I see a couple sneak off from the crowds and disappear behind the same hill we did the first time went searching for the green sign.

On the way home I can see the stacks in the distance.  The view brings more old conversations to mind, and those thoughts of even more things I had hoped we do together, but never will.  I make a quick stop to pick up a couple of our favorites.  Some of the faces look familiar, but are unknown to me.  I doubt they recognize me, especially without her there.

I coast down that steep hill and continue home.  A quick moment later and I'm surrounded in more memories.  One of the oldest between us, we weren't even 24 hours into each other when we traveled down that trail.

It's hard to know what to do these days.  There are so few things that don't remind me of something we did or planned to do.  Everyone tells me to get out and stay busy, but where do I go?  She is everywhere and nowhere.  Another ghost, another dream, unrealized...

If I knew it wouldn't work out between you and I before we were together, would I have done it?

I wouldn't trade our time for anything.  It's all we are - the sum of our experiences.

Besides, some of the best things in life are total mistakes.

I know you don't agree - and honestly, you're right not to - but I think there are plenty more mistakes we should be making together.

Besides, I know that every time I kiss you you know I'm your favorite mistake.

It doesn't even have to be years later.  It could be weeks, days, hours, even minutes after someone left your place.  When you weren't looking they hurried up and scratched little hearts around your name on a scratch paper on your desk knowing that you would stumble upon it later.  There's just something about people planning - even if it is mischief - to touch your life when they aren't there.

"She struggled with it for years, and finally just went ahead and got married."

I thought that I might see her family that weekend.  Actually, I had hoped.  In those days, they all meant so much to me.  I still carry parts of them around with me.  It had been so many years since I spoke to any of them, but just like all the good ones, we picked up right where we left.  Hugs, details, pictures... Those things I expected.

What I didn't expect was to be shaken so deeply.

We met very early in life.  But as early as it was, we were amazed by the bond that formed.  Everyone was amazed... People had always said that the two of us were going to be wed some day.  Even after splitting up and dating others, everyone still said that in the end, it would be her and I.

She set the bar by which all those who came after have been measured by.

Very few have even grazed the bottom of the top since those days.  Those days mean so much to me that I rarely even whisper a word about them for fear of letting the issues of the present tarnish the past.  It was all so pure, so innocent.  It was before problems and unrealized dreams and fake realities.  There was no need for an alternate reality in those days.

We lived the dreams.

So what started as a fond memory kept to myself like some treasure has ended in another "what if".  Breaking the "no regrets" rule always leads to half its name.  What if I just would have picked up the phone?  Would our common struggle have come to a common end?  We were standing on opposite sides of the same door both longing for what was on the other side, but at the same time, both scared to turn the key.

Je suis la et ailleurs.

Je ne dors plus.

Kyrie eleison.

Christe eleison.

Mea culpa...

"We've been working so much, we're forgetting to touch.

 What have we become?

 Did you know that it's a crime, to never find the time... to love..."

Of course, some are easier made into legend than others.  It helps if their very essence was already shrouded in crypticism and mystery.  (Of course, that may describe more of what I long for inside than what fills reality.  I have on more than one occasion questioned my ability to fall for who someone is vs. who I see.)  Those with that soft sweetness... "Mousey" as G would say.  Those who speak volumes with a glance, a smile, a soft touch, a gentle kiss...  Whether there is an ocean, a few states, or even just a few blocks between us it doesn't matter.  They are close to my heart, but far from my reach.

I would give so much to re-live those moments when we were on the same page.  When the feelings were mutual.  When the fear and anticipation come to balance because you realize that the other is thinking and feeling exactly what you are.  It could be as quick and simple as feeling her arm slide around you for the first time while you're standing in front of the tasting bar sharing a glass of wine.  It could be every single day - and night - of a week long adventure in a foreign country.  It could be staying up all night until the chirping of the birds let you know it's time to go home.

"I see the rainbow leading out of the sun.

  I feel my adrenaline before it's already begun.

  I tried to tell you, but you never listen..."

So now I sit here night after night letting it all pour out onto these pages like a waterfall.  With all my talents, with all my skills, with all the resources I have available to me I can't seem to ever express the visions and feelings inside to those it matters when it matters.  HM asked me today if there was anything I haven't done.  That one is easy -

I've yet to hold on to someone I loved.

Months to build.  Minutes to break down.  It's sadly strange how it takes an ending to make you appreciate the beginning so much.  All the muscles tighten in your face, your chin quivers, your eyes start to tear, your heart starts to tear, you bury your soul in that one last embrace, then *poof*...

The day before you were wondering if the fire had faded away.  Now you spend your days making tired excuses because sleep means dreaming, and dreaming means uncontrolled thinking of her.  So you avoid sleep.  And music.  And going out... And basically everything you enjoy, because a week ago you were enjoying those things with her.  So instead you plant yourself on the couch, and then the thoughts of everything you had planned together that aren't going to happen now start to grow in your mind.  They push out any bad memory that was lingering around.

Then on comes the panic light... Did we give up too easily?  You just lost your best friend and your girl friend in one foul swoop, and suddenly having a little faith that she really wanted to be there those times you were freaking out because she was doing stuff for someone else doesn't seem all that difficult.

Sure, we're pretty different in some ways and down right opposites in others.  But everything needs both sides to be balanced... Well-rounded.  KT Tunstall knows it, hopefully you do, too -

You're the other side of the world to me.