It's been a week, and hearing those words replay in my head still make me stop for a moment.

"She struggled with it for years, and finally just went ahead and got married."

I thought that I might see her family that weekend.  Actually, I had hoped.  In those days, they all meant so much to me.  I still carry parts of them around with me.  It had been so many years since I spoke to any of them, but just like all the good ones, we picked up right where we left.  Hugs, details, pictures... Those things I expected.

What I didn't expect was to be shaken so deeply.

We met very early in life.  But as early as it was, we were amazed by the bond that formed.  Everyone was amazed... People had always said that the two of us were going to be wed some day.  Even after splitting up and dating others, everyone still said that in the end, it would be her and I.

She set the bar by which all those who came after have been measured by.

Very few have even grazed the bottom of the top since those days.  Those days mean so much to me that I rarely even whisper a word about them for fear of letting the issues of the present tarnish the past.  It was all so pure, so innocent.  It was before problems and unrealized dreams and fake realities.  There was no need for an alternate reality in those days.

We lived the dreams.

So what started as a fond memory kept to myself like some treasure has ended in another "what if".  Breaking the "no regrets" rule always leads to half its name.  What if I just would have picked up the phone?  Would our common struggle have come to a common end?  We were standing on opposite sides of the same door both longing for what was on the other side, but at the same time, both scared to turn the key.

Je suis la et ailleurs.
Je ne dors plus.
Kyrie eleison.
Christe eleison.

Mea culpa...