They don't let up. The friends I've made over the years have teamed up. Multiple secret channels, they came together to collect photographs throughout the years. Members of IRC and circus alumni working together across state lines to let me know care. The memories present in photographs capture the good times. A fun and unexpected surprise.

Editor's note: This post not written by Jason. Collaboration from Erik, Gary, Holly, Tonya, Colleen, Crypto, and MikeD. We backed up your original index.php first.

When I was in college there was a running joke between my friends and I that I, like a carton of milk, have an expiration date of 30 years.

This evening I went grocery shopping and picked up, among other things, some milk.

It expires on 4.25.2009 - the date of my fast-approaching 30th birthday.

 

I haven't stopped running for weeks.

At Boeing, I spent the first three months trying to get work assigned to me.  At the new job, I walked into a group of people who couldn't wait to get some help.

One of the greatest things about changing jobs is being able to leave behind so many issues that just weren't working out.  Of course, the flip side of that is that you also leave behind all the things that were going well.  The worst of those - the people.  It's especially bad this time having left an organization wrapped in secrecy.  The daily IM conversations just aren't there to be had.  I barely have enough time to relax after a long day - where do I find the time to keep in touch with those I wish I didn't have to leave behind?

It's good to be excited about work again.  These days, when it's hard to get out of bed it's because I'm tired, not because I feel no drive to try to move a mountain with a shovel.

A major project has been escalated here.  The Star Ball is in two weeks.  I'm just waiting for the next shoe to drop.  It has happened in the past, and there's a good chance it could happen again this time.  Visitors are making plans, clutter is being brushed aside, and that nervous anxiousness of possibility is creeping in.

It's nice to be able to see a glimpse of the future for a change.  Especially a brighter one...

You could say that I gave up.  Or that I stopped believing... Or even that a long, bad streak has hardened me.  I'd like to think that I'm just being cautious.

Unfortunately, I've never been that good at convincing myself of anything.

Two weeks ago I let myself dream a little, then quickly put those to rest.  I have, as my closest will all tell you, this uncanny ability to get wrapped up in things that have not yet come to pass and spin images of people that aren't based off reality.  So I, as previously said, stopped myself before a tick was added to the frustrations column.

And then Monday I got an itch to dance that just had to be scratched.  So I headed for the studio to pick up a class.  There were familiar faces everywhere.  Three years since I started it all, and I was a very welcomed face - particularly by one individual, who had a message for me.

Was it really me she noticed all those nights ago?  We only shared a couple dances that evening.  Depending on my mood - or, more appropriately, my current state of self-esteem - I can put the events together a couple of different ways.  I was ready to write it off as a case of mistaken identity.  I still am...

I never thought I would be at a point in my life where the only love I can remember is unrequited.  These days I just try to be careful not to stir up old ghosts.  My sentimentality is my own worst enemy.  I'm cautious over what music I listen to, what movies I watch, how much time I have with nothing but my thoughts...

I've grown scared of hope.

I've probably said more than anyone how I believe that someday things will all fall into place making all the pain worthwhile.  But each year I watch go by makes it that much harder.

I miss the days of blinded sight.

Given how bad 2008 was for the vast majority of the world I feel relatively safe assuming that 2009 is going to be that much better.  Right now all over the world people are reflecting on the ups and downs of the previous 365 days.  I tend to go back a bit further.  In college, a good year was one that ended with me in a relationship and out of trouble.  Now a good year is one that ends with me in a stable job and out of debt.  I fear 2009 will need to get a couple weeks under its belt before I know if 2008 ended good or not.

It's amazing what time can do to a person.  In college I rarely spent a day alone.  I was surrounded by close friends.  There was always someone there to share a meal, watch a movie, confide in... Holidays meant figuring out who was going home with whom.  Break ups meant running off to your friends and exploring a different opportunity the next week.

It was easy to take those things for granted.

These years... This "adulthood" if you can call it that.  These years change people.  Jaded and broken, I have come to expect the worst.  Feelings of defeat and failure will rip apart the strongest of hearts.  It's a crippling sensation.  Three months ago a gentle touch from a cute face which should have made me raise an eyebrow instead just said "don't get your hopes up".

The attitude... The expectations... They are all wrong for this world.

I have a laundry list of things I've wanted to accomplish for quite some time.  Motivation and attitude keep those goals out of reach.  But I really don't have any other choice.  If I don't step up now, the longer term - and more important - objectives will never fall into place.

A little white dress with orange flowers reminded me of that tonight...

pffft.... pfffttt.... Is this thing on?

I live!  For those of you who don't know, I bought a house - my first.  I moved a few weeks ago and have been trying to get settled ever since.  I just got my internets turned up Wednesday, so no more stealing wireless from the neighbors.

It's interesting what you can learn about your neighbors just by the name of their wireless network.  First, I found that even though I moved into a relatively old neighborhood, there are quite a few people with wireless around me. There are a few default "linksys" and "home" networks floating in the 'hood unsecured.  There are several people with AT&T's new U-verse service (which is what I got).  And then there are the custom-named networks.  "Transmutations of Supposed Angels" - At first I thought "ooooh, an artists!", but then I realized it's the name of an album by some no-name group - "Maximum Indifference".  And there's the person who named his (or her...) network "goatse".  Ehhh... If you know what that is, chuckle to yourself or roll your eyes or cringe or whatever.  If you don't know what that is, do not under any circumstances look it up - especially not at work, around family, or other impressionable minds.

I've met a couple of my neighbors.  On each side there are big dogs that like to bark.  The lady to the north of me told me how I need to cut my grass (no, there's no neighborhood association here).  The couple to the south of me are about my age and engaged to one another.    The lady across the street stood on her porch and yelled "hi neighbor!"  I'd like to have people over to meet them, but still need to get stuff put away and organized.  Considering that when I moved out of my apartment - which I was in for two years - I moved boxes that hadn't been unpacked since the last move, I need to get my act together.